Wants and Needs

After a lengthy conversation with Meredith*,  a friend and therapist, I've decided that I need to actively pursue thoughts of what I want and need out of life.   Meredith states that I potentially have cold feet about ever opening myself to anyone again.  While she's right (she's always right), I really don't know where to go from here.  It would be much easier to fall asleep tonight and wake up in five years, married with children, a home, and a golden retriever. (I'm being foolish....I'm a chocolate lab kind of person.)

I suppose I'm making a kind of bucket list:

• See Europe (Including Italy, Spain, France, England, Ireland, and Greece)
• Take a Cruise (I'm thinking Alaska) 
• See the Northern Lights
• Have three children (Naturally, Adoption, or Immaculate Conception)
• Visit all 50 States
• Make a Difference through work in the Peace Corps or with Mission Group

And that's it.....my goals aren't lofty at all.  

When I was a 'tween, approximately 12, I wrote about what I thought the top five things every woman should know about picking out a spouse.  They were as follows:

1. Choose a man with a good last name.  Even if the marriage doesn't work out, you will have attained a better last name than what you started with.
2. Choose a man with a valuable skill.  For example, a florist can arrange you flowers and that is great when you are dating, and provides stable income throughout all holiday seasons, however this is not the kind of skill that I considered valuable.  I'm thinking more along the lines of chiropracter, because no matter if his business goes bust, he can still pop your back every night.
3. Choose a man who you've known a considerable amount of time, or more appropriately, your entire life.
4. Don't choose someone too attractive.  This will get them extra attention which can cause you extra stress from your extra jealous green eyed monster tendencies.
5. Choose a man with a similar faith background as yours to ensure that their will not be conflicts that arise at your wedding, children's baptism, etc.

Although I agree with my Jr. High self mostly, I believe that I have a more accurate list now:

1. Some of us are the cookie, and some are the cream.  I'm the cream and need to find the cookie person who thoroughly enjoys the OREO outsides as much as I like the insides and we can both my satisfied.
2. Find someone who knocks your socks off...and knock their socks off in return.  This equitable exchange not only leaves you both barefooted but also completely satisfied.
3. There is no amount of time necessary to "know" this person is "the one."  You both simply much know where the other stands and stay committed.  Exhibit the Five Love Languages in your daily life.
4. Step outside the box.  Find someone with mutual interests, but also expand your horizons and enjoy some of their own interests if they are openminded to share yours.  If they aren't openminded enough for this, they aren't the one for you. 
5. Find someone with great family, or no family.  Irritating inlaws aren't the worst thing to happen to anyone but they can be a pain in the neck.  (SEE: previous list #5 why it is important to marry a chiropractor)

When talking to Meredith, I couldn't help but cry, stating I really miss my life.  She asked, "Your life 6 months ago, or your life before everything?"  The answer "Before everything..." just hurts.  Just as badly as when everything changed and I knew it was forever.  Tears fall because my feet are permanently cold from having my socks knocked so far off that I'll never be able to find them.   Tears fall because at 26 years old I shouldn't be living the life of an 80 year old widow.   Am I ever going to get over this?  Not likely.  The person who said "Time Heals all wounds.".....FULL OF CRAP.