The season of Lent is a time of prayer, penance, and preparation for the future celebration of the resurrection. This is the most sacred of times in the Christian calendar, and by far my most cherished of holiday seasons. This time of year is especially important to me as a time to reflect, spiritually, personally, and professionally....a conscience "spring cleaning" of the mind and soul.
I hadn't thought much this year about how I planned to make this year special. I have never been a fan of giving up cookies, social networking, or text messaging. These vices are silly things that we did without before, and can do without after. For me to feel the true and utter void of something in my life, I need to have something that MEANS something to me. As much as I enjoy nosing around wedding pictures, reading emotional rant status updates, or just the friendly "chitchat" text message, these aren't the ties that bind in my life.
This year for Lent, I am giving up my walls. These self-preservation mechanisms that have kept me guarded for so long, are now my killer, because once the flood waters of tears and fears cross over the barriers, they flood the inside, and your protected enclosure has now become your drowning vessel. These walls are no longer my haven, and are no longer necessary.
This year for Lent, I am giving myself. Yes, I have a promise to becoming a better friend. I am going to spend 40 days and 40 nights listening, soaking up the information I have missed, and am focusing on another person instead of myself.
This year for ME, I am making a change. I am taking the plunge, a BLIND LEAP, of faith. I am moving forward into 2012 as if it is MY YEAR. I am focused on the small picture, but I am fully aware of how the story ends: Me, in a casket, wearing a black dress, with a smile that no mortician had to paint on. I wouldn't say I am better, because I am not, but I have recently been given the gift of motivation. I have no intention of losing that.
I've got 40 days of praying, fasting, dreaming, and planning ahead of me.
Tomorrow might not be a good day, but today the sun is shining....and it will always eventually come out again.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Scoured the Town, Completely Aroused, Making Love to our Memories
Having a difficult time today....tried to ignore the fact of what this week is and focus on those things that come around it, but apparently it's too much. If you asked the Marine Corps, they might say it never happened, but I know better....as do more and more conspiracy theorists who I, years ago thought were Fruit Loops, but now believe are JUST eccentric enough to at last run with a Fraction of the truth towards the whole truth or at least closeby. <INSERT BIRTHER RANTING ABOUT OBAMA BORN ELSEWHERE>
My crying in public days are over, and I'm sitting at home keeping KLEENEX and EDY'S ICE CREAM in business, celebrating what you might call my own version of the sad holidays. (Pearl Harbor Day, Patriot Day, Holocaust Remembrance Day). You might even call it "Mission-That-Ruined-Lives-iversary". I'm being cranky...forgive me. I'll blame it on the ANGER stage in the grief cycle that I have revisited lately and stalled upon. And a little moan and groan about how my company's EAP program won't cover my issues because apparently your husband being blown up in Afghanistan is considered a "big, longterm" problem, and the are designed to help with "small, short term" problems. LESSONS FROM THE WIFE OF A MARINE #1: Any situation that puts a spouse in a caretaker role, is a HUGE issue. That huge issue also creates lots of smaller issues such as social issues with friends, family, and strangers, frustrations with coworkers, policy, or government, etc. I'm still waiting for the Department of Veterans' Affairs to give me a service-connected lifetime supply of uppers to compensate me for the loss Operation Enduring Freedom caused me.
I'm aching today, from crying to the point of being physically ill. I'm tired of thinking I am doing better, and then BAM. Is it going to be like this EVERY February? Every November like when he left? Every May on his birthday? Am I EVER going to feel whole again? I've got so much anger inside of me right now that I want to be able to release in a safe controlled environment.
I was born a spitfire. My father told me often that I was born 8lbs 0 ounces and wearing a tiny little business suit. My grandmother confirms this often, apparently forgetting what day of the week it is, or my friends names, but NEVER misquoting anything I said as a child (most recently repeating how when I was 11 I shattered my wrist and when told I was going to be given morphine until the surgeon was available, I flatly told the ER doctor that I was refusing it and could take the pain because I was fully aware that Civil War soldiers became addicted to morphine, and that I neither was a substance abuser or wanted to be a future statistic.) I try, try, try to live the DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF mantra, but this week it's so hard for me not to want to explode. I'm so SICK AND FUCKING TIRED and of people not appreciating their lives, jobs, families, or friends. I'm SO tired of being surrounded by people who are so slack in their daily lives that they need their hand held.
I'm HUGELY tired of insincere people asking me, "How's Hubby?" only to get the response that he STILL has permanent brain damage, STILL is wrecked with PTSD, and STILL is deteriorating. It makes me freaking wonder if he hadn't have gotten a brain injury, and instead his arm was blown off, if they would ask me if he had gotten better, as if his arm was going to grow back. HELLO...what does PERMANENT MEAN?! Yesterday, someone asked me about him, then afterwards mentioned how a few years ago we were SO HAPPY and that I loved him SO MUCH and that's so sad how things can change. This is so damn disheartening to me that people can think that way. I said that I appreciated her thoughts and CLEARLY still love him equally if not more than I did when I put him on that freaking bus.....he's just not here. Someone else earlier in the week asked about him and then said, "Once you picked yourself up....you're doing so well. You seem so happy." I told her that I'm in survival mode. I try to find the beauty and humor and irony in life every day. Try to find something to smile about everyday. I try to hold kids and hug my friends (PRIOR I WAS NOT A HUGGER) and give the elderly attention and respect, and REMIND myself every day that I had it great and perfect if only for a little while. I mean, C'mon! The most handsome man in the world loved me. Who has it better than that?
I'm feeling God's agape love all around me. In the past two months, I've fallen deeper and deeper in love with my friends, who are my family with tangible phileo love for me. I especially like kisses on the cheek. I still am in romantic love...I'm just in love alone.
My biggest gripe right now? It's hitting me hard that I'm so freaking angry I don't have a family. People screw up their lives and dreams on a daily basis. Myself? All I wanted out of my earthly life was to be a good wife and a good mother to a handful of children. I had ambitions that I achieved, personally and professionally, and I have more goals....but the only thing that I truly WANTED was the family. Maybe I'll get over it. Maybe I wouldn't have been a good mother anyway. Maybe I'm getting more and more damaged by the day, deteriorating myself.....or maybe I just need to have a cold root beer. <INSERT OVERACTIVE IMAGINATION THAT PROVIDES SURPRISE VISITOR WITH COLD ROOT BEER TO SHARE.>
I'm planning out my future on paper.....and I'm thinking the house is what I want. I'm also coping now by borrowing my friends' families as often as available.
I found a new feature on facebook timeline which allows you to view back all of your history by the month and year. I went back to the Angry Megan from 2008-2009....and BOY! It's funny that I don't remember writing what I wrote then (as we know, I'm very direct, but you have to speak "Megan" to understand what I am saying) but I remember the dates and what I was doing during all of that....and it's horribly sad how down I was, however it's awesome to go visit myself in the past and see how, even at the time very dreary, I was SO CLEVER.....and vague. I don't remember writing any of it, but I can am Megan-literate and can know exactly what I meant immediately. Again, if I had that time machine, I would go back, pour doubles, and have a drink with myself and remind me to chill the hell out. Worse things are on the way....and right now, I feel the same. I need a visit from the 2015 version of myself to tell me to snap the hell out of this, because life is SUPER CRAPPY in 2015.
I AM thankful for my friends. Some of them more than others, but all are fantastic. I'm so fortunate that I am blessed with people around me that are so selfless and giving, even though I am so self-centered.
In 2007, I wrote about how that I was ready for 2008 and that it would be awesome. Not...so...much, but let's hope for sunny skies for at least a little while.
I've now got a date with some melatonin, freshly changed sheets, a candlelit room, and a few hours of voice recordings. This is the last time I'm doing this, and then this love affair with my memories has got to stop. April, referring to holding on too tight, told me, "It's a footprint on your beach of life, Megs. Time to create new ones or sit on the beach and watch the world go by." She's right...someone grab me by the hand, and bring me back to the future. I'm tired of feeling like I was living a fantastic dream and then woke up to find it never happened.
Isaiah 54:4 Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed:
neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame:
for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not
remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more.
My crying in public days are over, and I'm sitting at home keeping KLEENEX and EDY'S ICE CREAM in business, celebrating what you might call my own version of the sad holidays. (Pearl Harbor Day, Patriot Day, Holocaust Remembrance Day). You might even call it "Mission-That-Ruined-Lives-iversary". I'm being cranky...forgive me. I'll blame it on the ANGER stage in the grief cycle that I have revisited lately and stalled upon. And a little moan and groan about how my company's EAP program won't cover my issues because apparently your husband being blown up in Afghanistan is considered a "big, longterm" problem, and the are designed to help with "small, short term" problems. LESSONS FROM THE WIFE OF A MARINE #1: Any situation that puts a spouse in a caretaker role, is a HUGE issue. That huge issue also creates lots of smaller issues such as social issues with friends, family, and strangers, frustrations with coworkers, policy, or government, etc. I'm still waiting for the Department of Veterans' Affairs to give me a service-connected lifetime supply of uppers to compensate me for the loss Operation Enduring Freedom caused me.
I'm aching today, from crying to the point of being physically ill. I'm tired of thinking I am doing better, and then BAM. Is it going to be like this EVERY February? Every November like when he left? Every May on his birthday? Am I EVER going to feel whole again? I've got so much anger inside of me right now that I want to be able to release in a safe controlled environment.
I was born a spitfire. My father told me often that I was born 8lbs 0 ounces and wearing a tiny little business suit. My grandmother confirms this often, apparently forgetting what day of the week it is, or my friends names, but NEVER misquoting anything I said as a child (most recently repeating how when I was 11 I shattered my wrist and when told I was going to be given morphine until the surgeon was available, I flatly told the ER doctor that I was refusing it and could take the pain because I was fully aware that Civil War soldiers became addicted to morphine, and that I neither was a substance abuser or wanted to be a future statistic.) I try, try, try to live the DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF mantra, but this week it's so hard for me not to want to explode. I'm so SICK AND FUCKING TIRED and of people not appreciating their lives, jobs, families, or friends. I'm SO tired of being surrounded by people who are so slack in their daily lives that they need their hand held.
I'm HUGELY tired of insincere people asking me, "How's Hubby?" only to get the response that he STILL has permanent brain damage, STILL is wrecked with PTSD, and STILL is deteriorating. It makes me freaking wonder if he hadn't have gotten a brain injury, and instead his arm was blown off, if they would ask me if he had gotten better, as if his arm was going to grow back. HELLO...what does PERMANENT MEAN?! Yesterday, someone asked me about him, then afterwards mentioned how a few years ago we were SO HAPPY and that I loved him SO MUCH and that's so sad how things can change. This is so damn disheartening to me that people can think that way. I said that I appreciated her thoughts and CLEARLY still love him equally if not more than I did when I put him on that freaking bus.....he's just not here. Someone else earlier in the week asked about him and then said, "Once you picked yourself up....you're doing so well. You seem so happy." I told her that I'm in survival mode. I try to find the beauty and humor and irony in life every day. Try to find something to smile about everyday. I try to hold kids and hug my friends (PRIOR I WAS NOT A HUGGER) and give the elderly attention and respect, and REMIND myself every day that I had it great and perfect if only for a little while. I mean, C'mon! The most handsome man in the world loved me. Who has it better than that?
I'm feeling God's agape love all around me. In the past two months, I've fallen deeper and deeper in love with my friends, who are my family with tangible phileo love for me. I especially like kisses on the cheek. I still am in romantic love...I'm just in love alone.
My biggest gripe right now? It's hitting me hard that I'm so freaking angry I don't have a family. People screw up their lives and dreams on a daily basis. Myself? All I wanted out of my earthly life was to be a good wife and a good mother to a handful of children. I had ambitions that I achieved, personally and professionally, and I have more goals....but the only thing that I truly WANTED was the family. Maybe I'll get over it. Maybe I wouldn't have been a good mother anyway. Maybe I'm getting more and more damaged by the day, deteriorating myself.....or maybe I just need to have a cold root beer. <INSERT OVERACTIVE IMAGINATION THAT PROVIDES SURPRISE VISITOR WITH COLD ROOT BEER TO SHARE.>
I'm planning out my future on paper.....and I'm thinking the house is what I want. I'm also coping now by borrowing my friends' families as often as available.
I found a new feature on facebook timeline which allows you to view back all of your history by the month and year. I went back to the Angry Megan from 2008-2009....and BOY! It's funny that I don't remember writing what I wrote then (as we know, I'm very direct, but you have to speak "Megan" to understand what I am saying) but I remember the dates and what I was doing during all of that....and it's horribly sad how down I was, however it's awesome to go visit myself in the past and see how, even at the time very dreary, I was SO CLEVER.....and vague. I don't remember writing any of it, but I can am Megan-literate and can know exactly what I meant immediately. Again, if I had that time machine, I would go back, pour doubles, and have a drink with myself and remind me to chill the hell out. Worse things are on the way....and right now, I feel the same. I need a visit from the 2015 version of myself to tell me to snap the hell out of this, because life is SUPER CRAPPY in 2015.
I AM thankful for my friends. Some of them more than others, but all are fantastic. I'm so fortunate that I am blessed with people around me that are so selfless and giving, even though I am so self-centered.
In 2007, I wrote about how that I was ready for 2008 and that it would be awesome. Not...so...much, but let's hope for sunny skies for at least a little while.
I've now got a date with some melatonin, freshly changed sheets, a candlelit room, and a few hours of voice recordings. This is the last time I'm doing this, and then this love affair with my memories has got to stop. April, referring to holding on too tight, told me, "It's a footprint on your beach of life, Megs. Time to create new ones or sit on the beach and watch the world go by." She's right...someone grab me by the hand, and bring me back to the future. I'm tired of feeling like I was living a fantastic dream and then woke up to find it never happened.
Isaiah 54:4 Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed:
neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame:
for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not
remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Let My Love Open The Door....and close....and open again
Happy Valentine's Week. Of course, I believe that we should celebrate love, in phileo, erotic, and most importantly agape form every day of the year, but I take pleasure in the festivity of every holiday...and like to stretch most for a week. This year, I am stretching the Valentine's high through my favorite holiday, Ash Wednesday. Something about the Lenten season brings energy to me (which is kind of strange for 40 days of fasting.)
I had *PROBABLY* the most fantastic Valentine's Day ever (considering we have already covered, I've never REALLY had a good one.) Highlights as follows:
- Someone took a picture of me in the office and stated they were uploading to facebook as the "coolest loan officer ever."
- I spoke to 4 old men that talked about how they were treating their wives. (The Old couples are what I like....not the young ones.)
- My Nicole left me a surprise on my car that left both excited and soothed at the same time....and a note that made me Laugh out loud, which I am trying to as much as possible these days.
- Met a man that is unfortunately going through a divorce that has wedding rings tattooed on....and had a positive attitude. (And the lady took the freaking lightbulbs when she left!?) He was pretty special.
- Had a "chance encounter" with my future husband. Ok....not really. I had an orthodontist appointment, but the man moves as slow as molasses in winter....so I'm guessing Mother Dora meant a different dentist.
- Was given roses by an 11-year-old.
- Was made breakfast (for dinner) by my BFF Carlos*.
- Was bridesmaid in a sporadic wedding downtown.....for people I knew about 12 hours. (I can't SAY how much that was. Thanks for letting us be a part of your day Ricky* and Lucy*.
All in all, I am pleased with how it went, and am determined to now appreciate the holiday more every year. Valentine's has never been my thing, but I am getting there.
Once upon a time, J played my favorite song "Let me Love Open the Door" for me by the water, and although I didn't like him....I loved him, and he did. These days, I'm finding God has opened the door to my heart yet again.....but it's a kind of empty room. Hoping to fill with as much agape/phileo/romantic love as possible for the rest of my life. <3
Sunday, February 5, 2012
It's 5 O'clock in the evening....
It's 5 O'clock in the evening and today is a day for tears.
I made it through the month of January, in short form, from an Oreo-filling induced sugar high. I had company through the holidays with family here half of the month. I had not felt this "good" in a long time. Consider the term "good" relative. Life changed for me in January with about 10 of my friends filling my time, where I can't remember the last day I had that was actually "open" and I was alone with my thoughts.
Today, I read through old love letters, skimmed through our yearbooks (referring to the adult yearbooks I make for myself each year) reliving all of our memories, listened to his voice in the recordings, and made myself cry to the point of dehydration. <INSERT GENTLEMAN FRIEND TO COME VISIT ME AT THIS MOMENT AND TAKE MY MIND OFF THINGS> or better yet <INSERT ....> nevermind.
I've had an emotional high (SEE: Sugar rush) in January....however February, with it's pre-spring connotation, date-iversary, and Valentine's Day, has hit me hard and I'm crashing. I thought I was doing ok, and I'm just as mixed up now as I was two years ago. I'm so angry. And I'm never going to get better. I'm smiling and happy-ish, and then BAM, in the blink of an eye, and a glance to the left I see a wounded warrior poster and it makes me sick. When I think about how I could have a 7-year-old child, I wonder WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?! Why do so many people have the good things in life and not appreciate them? How can any decent human being walk away from their spouse and children? Why? Why? WHY!?
If we keep asking ourselves "why" we will go crazy. (Say, "Stop asking why, Megan. You can't afford to be any more crazy.") I know the answer: Because Life Happens. But knowing that answer doesn't stop me from being angry. I'm so FREAKING angry that I'm where I am in life. I'm FREAKING angry 50% of people walk away from their life for no good reason. I'm FREAKING angry because my husband didn't love me enough to "magically" come back and be well again. I'm FREAKING angry because I'm lost.
I miss my life.
And the worst part about that....is that I don't know what exactly I'm missing. And in the last month, I've contemplated a few things, and a few offers, and it freaked me the hell out (to the point of throwing up from emotional rantings to my mirror because no one else is here.) I'm angry at myself because I don't miss J as much as I miss the feeling I had that I knew the road we were going on. When I put him on that freaking bus, I had no idea that he would come home the way he did.....more precisely, I thought a Marine either LIVES or DIES from a war. I've come to find out, "surviving" is relative. I miss the comfort of knowing our plan. The kids, the house plan, the singing, the love.
I'm so terribly sad today....and don't know where my day went. I think it's a day for cuddles....yet, I don't even have a teddy bear handy. I'm wondering if this will ever stop.
I've been searching for PRACTICAL MAGIC without success for weeks. I NEEEEEEED to watch this movie as it explains how I feel, in a kind of singsong comedic relief kind of way. (OR, it's an excuse for my to see Aiden Quinn in a movie other than LEGENDS OF THE FALL which makes a person want to jump off a bridge.)
Today is a day for crying.....and I don't even know why, but I am blaming it on the month of February. Come on, March. Mama needs to smile again soon, and Pawley's Island is the best place to see the blooms.
I made it through the month of January, in short form, from an Oreo-filling induced sugar high. I had company through the holidays with family here half of the month. I had not felt this "good" in a long time. Consider the term "good" relative. Life changed for me in January with about 10 of my friends filling my time, where I can't remember the last day I had that was actually "open" and I was alone with my thoughts.
Today, I read through old love letters, skimmed through our yearbooks (referring to the adult yearbooks I make for myself each year) reliving all of our memories, listened to his voice in the recordings, and made myself cry to the point of dehydration. <INSERT GENTLEMAN FRIEND TO COME VISIT ME AT THIS MOMENT AND TAKE MY MIND OFF THINGS> or better yet <INSERT ....> nevermind.
I've had an emotional high (SEE: Sugar rush) in January....however February, with it's pre-spring connotation, date-iversary, and Valentine's Day, has hit me hard and I'm crashing. I thought I was doing ok, and I'm just as mixed up now as I was two years ago. I'm so angry. And I'm never going to get better. I'm smiling and happy-ish, and then BAM, in the blink of an eye, and a glance to the left I see a wounded warrior poster and it makes me sick. When I think about how I could have a 7-year-old child, I wonder WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?! Why do so many people have the good things in life and not appreciate them? How can any decent human being walk away from their spouse and children? Why? Why? WHY!?
If we keep asking ourselves "why" we will go crazy. (Say, "Stop asking why, Megan. You can't afford to be any more crazy.") I know the answer: Because Life Happens. But knowing that answer doesn't stop me from being angry. I'm so FREAKING angry that I'm where I am in life. I'm FREAKING angry 50% of people walk away from their life for no good reason. I'm FREAKING angry because my husband didn't love me enough to "magically" come back and be well again. I'm FREAKING angry because I'm lost.
I miss my life.
And the worst part about that....is that I don't know what exactly I'm missing. And in the last month, I've contemplated a few things, and a few offers, and it freaked me the hell out (to the point of throwing up from emotional rantings to my mirror because no one else is here.) I'm angry at myself because I don't miss J as much as I miss the feeling I had that I knew the road we were going on. When I put him on that freaking bus, I had no idea that he would come home the way he did.....more precisely, I thought a Marine either LIVES or DIES from a war. I've come to find out, "surviving" is relative. I miss the comfort of knowing our plan. The kids, the house plan, the singing, the love.
I'm so terribly sad today....and don't know where my day went. I think it's a day for cuddles....yet, I don't even have a teddy bear handy. I'm wondering if this will ever stop.
I've been searching for PRACTICAL MAGIC without success for weeks. I NEEEEEEED to watch this movie as it explains how I feel, in a kind of singsong comedic relief kind of way. (OR, it's an excuse for my to see Aiden Quinn in a movie other than LEGENDS OF THE FALL which makes a person want to jump off a bridge.)
Today is a day for crying.....and I don't even know why, but I am blaming it on the month of February. Come on, March. Mama needs to smile again soon, and Pawley's Island is the best place to see the blooms.
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