It's 5 O'clock in the evening....

It's 5 O'clock in the evening and today is a day for tears.

I made it through the month of January, in short form, from an Oreo-filling induced sugar high.  I had company through the holidays with family here half of the month.   I had not felt this "good" in a long time.   Consider the term "good" relative.   Life changed for me in January with about 10 of my friends filling my time, where I can't remember the last day I had that was actually "open" and I was alone with my thoughts.

Today, I read through old love letters, skimmed through our yearbooks (referring to the adult yearbooks I make for myself each year) reliving all of our memories, listened to his voice in the recordings, and made myself cry to the point of dehydration.  <INSERT GENTLEMAN FRIEND TO COME VISIT ME AT THIS MOMENT AND TAKE MY MIND OFF THINGS>   or better yet <INSERT ....> nevermind.

I've had an emotional high (SEE:  Sugar rush) in January....however February, with it's pre-spring connotation, date-iversary, and Valentine's Day, has hit me hard and I'm crashing.  I thought I was doing ok, and I'm just as mixed up now as I was two years ago.  I'm so angry.  And I'm never going to get better.  I'm smiling and happy-ish, and then BAM, in the blink of an eye, and a glance to the left I see a wounded warrior poster and it makes me sick.  When I think about how I could have a 7-year-old child, I wonder WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!  Why do so many people have the good things in life and not appreciate them?  How can any decent human being walk away from their spouse and children?  Why?  Why?  WHY!?


If we keep asking ourselves "why" we will go crazy.  (Say, "Stop asking why, Megan.  You can't afford to be any more crazy.")  I know the answer:  Because Life Happens.    But knowing that answer doesn't stop me from being angry.  I'm so FREAKING angry that I'm where I am in life.  I'm FREAKING angry 50% of people walk away from their life for no good reason.  I'm FREAKING angry because my husband didn't love me enough to "magically" come back and be well again.  I'm FREAKING angry because I'm lost.

I miss my life. 

And the worst part about that....is that I don't know what exactly I'm missing.  And in the last month, I've contemplated a few things, and a few offers, and it freaked me the hell out (to the point of throwing up from emotional rantings to my mirror because no one else is here.)  I'm angry at myself because I don't miss J as much as I miss the feeling I had that I knew the road we were going on.  When I put him on that freaking bus, I had no idea that he would come home the way he did.....more precisely, I thought a Marine either LIVES or DIES from a war.  I've come to find out, "surviving" is relative.  I miss the comfort of knowing our plan.  The kids, the house plan, the singing, the love.  

I'm so terribly sad today....and don't know where my day went.  I think it's a day for cuddles....yet, I don't even have a teddy bear handy.    I'm wondering if this will ever stop.

I've been searching for PRACTICAL MAGIC without success for weeks.  I NEEEEEEED to watch this movie as it explains how I feel, in a kind of singsong comedic relief kind of way.   (OR, it's an excuse for my to see Aiden Quinn in a movie other than LEGENDS OF THE FALL which makes a person want to jump off a bridge.)

Today is a day for crying.....and I don't even know why, but I am blaming it on the month of February.  Come on, March.  Mama  needs to smile again soon, and Pawley's Island is the best place to see the blooms.