Tonight is the eve of my birthday...Happy birthday to me

Tonight is the eve of my birthday...Happy birthday to me.

I could reflect back on the last quarter century for days, reliving hosts of memories in vivid detail. Great triumphs and great tragedies have touched my life and counterweigh each other, holding my sanity, hand in hand with my faith, evenly in the middle, never faltering.

I toss and turn at night. I'm actually, fortunately, suffering from what is either mono or chronic fatigue syndrome, which is making my body shut down and sleep 12-14 hours daily whether I like it, or not. I ACTUALLY like it, however my sweet dreams of my dear husband, formerly the icing to my cake and the moment I looked most forward to in the day, have now become nightmares, shaking me deeply to my core, and shocking me into a startled alertness no one should be in at 4 in the morning (shy an alarm clock and multiple redbulls).

Him happy and healthy shakes me, tricking me into thinking even for a moment I have made a mistake, and that he fine, and that I've just somehow gotten confused and he's waiting for me at the diner we used to meet for breakfast after church on Sundays. Hope is a tricky thing, because hope, in these circumstances, is for the foolish. I've been told by so many that "in 20 years, there could be a breakthrough," or, "I know your miracle is around the bend." The truth is....I already had my miracle, when this man entered my life. He changed me, restoring my faith in humankind, love, and ultimately, deepening my love for my God.

Ultimately, I'm sad. This is different from depression. Depression is being sad for no reason...I have a reason to grieve. I try to stay upbeat...I try to find the beauty in any and every thing in order to not focus on the darkness, however you will not see me claiming to be happy...because honestly, I don't want to be "happy...it's too scary of a thought.  People say "don't be sad"...which clearly means they've never been truly sad...because you can't flip a switch on the dire straights of utter heartache to turn it off.  People who think you can simply "stop" sadness have never had anything to be truly sad about.  This also goes hand and hand with my "if you think things can't get worse, you lack imagination" mantra.  When I go back in my mind to the "hard" times I had before where I thought life was "over"....that stuff was a cake walk.

My tragedy isn't what is difficult to cope with: my happiness is. The 100% North Carolina Pure Squeezed Happiness is what I struggle with accepting. I'm accustomed to disappointment....I wasn't accustomed to being so damn perfectly happy, and then having my life stolen from me as a casualty of war, and then be expected to believe I should be this way again when I know it is inevitable that it will be lost again. (Call me "glass half empty" if you must....just remember my glass is filled with rum.)

I long for the day I can close my eyes and dream and wake up and have my healthy happy husband there to tell me everything was a horrific dream. I know this day will never come. So, therefore, I long for the day when I will wake to a person there that will, at least, dry my tears and understand that I am a penguin. I mate for life. My heart is shattered, but I've collected the shards in a jar (and they are kind of pretty in a decorative sense) that I will be willing to give to someone in the future. Someone who has experienced a loss of their own of some kind. Someone who prefers records to CD because they just sound so much better. Someone who prefers the Oreo cookie (so I can have the icing.) And someone who is willing (and able) to learn (and sing) all of the words to THE PROCLAIMERS "I'm gonna Be" for me anytime I ask, and in a silly way say "As you wish."

My grandmother asked me what I would like for my birthday...and I can only think of one thing: SOMETHING to get my mind off of reality for a while (that isn't illegal and/or mind-altering.)

Years ago, I spent my birthday surrounded by friends, to include J, and I remember the feeling I had of being alone at that party, but knowing I was completely loved by many, and knowing, if only subconsciencely, that he loved me so dearly....I can't help but cry and miss my love tonight.

Tonight is the eve of my birthday...Happy birthday to me.
 
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