Perspective

There's a funny thing about perspective.

For years I was in a relationship "alone", silently living in solitude while my partner chose to continue sowing oats in whatever loose woman's field that was open.  Instead of walking away from the relationship, I turned to bitterness.  Not long after the bitterness was at it's max, I turned to purchasing at least two DVDs every evening to fill the hours between getting home from work, completing household chores, and waiting for him to come home hours later after his fun.  Approximately 3,000 DVDs later, I got smart and started purchasing TV series' on DVD because they lasted longer and were more cost effective.  Film has always been an easy distraction for me...cherry vodka helped at the time as well.

When this relationship finally ended, the oat-sower went on his way, taking with him my cherry vodka phase, and my DVDs and I began a relationship with tequila.   I did not mind being alone, because I truly had been all along.  I was such a stranger to love, I would not know him upon meeting on the street, or per chance, in a store, randomly.

When J and I became close, I eventually introduced him to my movies, which he loved.  In his recordings, he stated, "One of my favorite things about you, are your movies.  I plan on watching them...because I mean, who spends $20, 000 on DVDS?!  We gotta watch at least half of them!"

Now that I've been living alone again, it is often hard for me to watch them, however I'm finding new depth in some.  I'm deep in Grey's Anatomy Season 3, and am surprised how much this season is impacting me.  After Dr Burke was shot, Christina has such deep resentment being "the caretaker" and nursing him and supporting him in his recovery.  Meredith and Derek get together again and try to be "bright and shiny" only to realize their world is "dark and twisty" and they will get through it together.   Chief Webber visits his love Ellis Grey in a nursing home while she's suffering from early onset Alzheimer's, and is disregarding his wife who seems to be an obligation instead of his spouse.   Something about this last one tugs at my heart the most.  Something about illness or injury that affects the  mind and memory is so horrifically cruel.

Over a month ago,  I saw a fortuneteller randomly, without appointment, or giving any information.  She described my husband's injury and called him by name when stating that I was grieving for him.  She also stated 2012 will be a year of permanent change, and that I will meet my future husband., also giving an indepth description down to belt size, name, and profession.    (Please note:  although I am intrigued to know my "future husband" sounds very handsome and has a great job, I'm not interested in dating...yet again, leaving me in a state needing divine intervention to throw soulmate #2 my way and forcing himself into my life like J did.)

I've been trying to really LIVE life...for both of our sake.  This week, I enjoyed a lot of activity, including dinners out, friends, musical theater, and dancing.  Also, I walked on the beach with a stranger.  Of all of this, I came to realize, I am happy.  Not happy with my circumstances, but happy in spite of them.  I have survived another day.  Another thing, perspective as brought me?  Answers.  Nine alcoholic beverages later and standing on a rooftop bar overlooking the Cape Fear river in downtown Wilmington, NC, I had perspective.  Perspective that made me realize, my husband is gone, and will never return.  Perspective that this beautiful view was shared by us, and that if the world was right, he would be with me.   Perspective that I won't ever stop missing him, and will never have a "replacement" or will love again like that.  A void in my heart forever.

I have been praying hard on the articles regarding the 700 Club host Pat Robertson's views on Alzheimer's patients spouses' divorcing their sick partners.  He received such grief and scorn from Christian leaders worldwide, however, I believe he has the right idea.

Although my "wounds" are still "fresh", I believe I've found some solace, peace in knowing that he was the ONE for  me.  Peace in knowing I have no reason to ever date, because I will never find that again.  I visited J this week extensively, and he is much worse and has deteriorated heavily even in the last few weeks.  I ache for him in his pain.  I hurt when he hurts.  Most of all, I yearn to fall asleep so we can meet each other in our dreams at night, well, laughing, with the promise of the future, and able to reminisce about our long life together.  Our happy memories are my most painful...knowing they are limited to that short time that we shared.